A
Stroll through Prestbury, 2060
“A truly memorable experience” -
Telegraph
Starting from the
“Shirleys Car Park”, proceed to the security checkpoint. After an identity
check and full body search, you may enter the village centre by the footpath
leading to
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Old Reading Room |
Across
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PTP Headquarters |
Across the road from the
Reading Room, to the right of the piggery, is the PTP (Prestbury Thought
Police) headquarters, a plain three-storey building with mullioned windows
dating from the seventeenth century. Its unassuming exterior conceals
surveillance equipment monitoring villagers and visitors for inappropriate
thinking. Offenders are held in the cellars for re-education before being
released into the community under supervision. Do not linger near the building.
Proceeding down the
village street you come to the Legh Arms, a late Tudor building, probably
dating from 1580. It was originally called the Saracen's Head after the crest
of Sir Brian Stapleton of
The local inhabitants
meet at the Legh Arms on market days in a room over the stables, entered by a
flight of stone steps. Parish tea parties are also held there, hosted by the
Grandmothers Union.
A lane
at the side of the restaurant operated by the National Institute for Culinary
Excellence (NICE) leads to the old vicarage. Alongside the lane there used to
be a narrow field called the Saw Pit Field. The field was last used in 2012
after the European Deforestation Commission decreed the felling of trees in
Prestbury, though those in the churchyard were exempt. Yews in front of
Prestbury Hall were the first to go. Sawing was done by hand so as to provide
work for the unemployed. The saws were one and a half metres long.
Prestbury
is famous for its markets held in the village street on April 28 (bull market)
and October 22 (bear market) each year. During the markets the windows along
the village street are boarded up to prevent damage by activists from the Bull
and Bear Liberation Front.
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The National
Bank |
The
National Bank is a picturesque Jacobean timber-framed building on a stone base
with a stone slate roof. It is said to date from 1448 and stands almost
opposite the lych-gate. Once called the Priest's House, it is said to have been
the vicarage during the Caroline period. Marriage ceremonies took place there
and the vicar used to address his congregation from the balcony above the main
front door when the church was closed to him and occupied by the Commonwealth
party. Village tradition has it that there used to be a secret passageway to
St. Peter’s Church across the street.
In the
twentieth century the building was carefully restored for use as a bank and the
banking hall is now renowned for its plasterwork walls, oak beamed ceiling and
stone-flagged floor. Fireplaces were unmasked during the restoration. Note the
original glass in the leaded lights which has the lovely tints of green and
rose similar to those of Haddon Hall.
Continue
in the direction of the river past Ford House, probably sixteenth or
seventeenth century but now derelict, sad victim of the economic collapse of
2008 and the ensuing series of recessions.
In order to cross the river you must first present your
identity card to the crossing warden. There is no charge, but a gratuity would
be appreciated as thanks for protection from marauding elements. Proceed
through the turnstile across the well-designed timber(iroko) footbridge
completed in 1979. The present stone bridge was built in 1855 to replace the
earlier dual-arched bridge which was found to be insecure.
Bollin Grove follows the
River Bollin. On the right is the Village Club, built by in 1908 by
I.C.Waterhouse, an ardent teetotaller, to provide wholesome recreation for the
working classes. It is now licensed to sell beers, wines
and spirits and operates as a casino, backed by the investment arm of the National Bank.
Proceeding along Bollin Grove you
come to the drive leading to Prestbury Primary School where poor children of
the parish are taught from the Primer to the Bible in accordance with the
benefaction of Ann Whittakers. Past the terrace of workers housing is the
euphemistically-named “cotton” factory, locally known as the “Sweatshop” which
in recent years has become an important manufacturer of financial instruments,
now exported to markets all over the developed world. Schoolchildren are sent
to the factory for eight hours a day for work experience (except on Sundays).
Due to cutbacks, the
picturesque cottages on the left hand side of Pearl Street have no water supply
and no sanitation. Pigs and other animals live with the occupants on the
premises. The cottages are rented to unwanted bankers who feel privileged to be
allowed to live in such a time-honoured fashion: note the date on the wall
plaque on Brooks Cottages – 1686.
The ex-bankers, together
with their wives and children, work at occupations such rat-catchers, crossing
sweepers or labourers at the piggery, singing cheerful songs as they go about
their work. The better-favoured are employed as servants in the Leader’s
residence.
Turn right out of Pearl
Street and right again on to the flooded New Road. Wade in the direction of the
Bollin past the abandoned cars. On the right hand side of the road there are
several charming cottages belonging to the Parish. Note the strong texture
given by the original stone slate roofs.
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Ye Olde Lord Rooney Inn
is named after Lord Rooney of Old Trafford, a local resident. The inn sign depicts Lord Rooney in his younger
days. As Wayne Rooney, his career began with Everton and continued when he
signed a professional contract with Manchester United after a £31 million deal,
a large one for the time. Subsequently he made numerous appearances as captain
of England before retiring to devote himself to good works.
Beyond the Rooney are weavers' cottages
whose occupants labour night and day making high-quality fabrics for export to
the Far East. The money laundry and dry cleaners, a charity shop,
the co-operative
grocery store (all ration coupons accepted) and an
oriental take-away
are at the end of the row.
On the opposite side of
New Road there is Parrott’s Field (Village Green). When Prestbury had a
tannery, it was called Tan Yards Fields. It is now used for bynge-drinking, kissing-in-the-bushes
and other traditional sports.
Return over the River Bollin. The Bridge Hotel stands by the river. Now modernised, it was once a farm and dates from 1626. It is rumoured that Bonnie Prince Charlie stayed there during his march south in 1745, but not for long, because he thought the prices were too high (he was Scottish).
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St. Peter’s
Church, south side |
St. Peter's Church is
the spiritual centre of the village. The church was started about 1220, with
the building of the chancel in the Early English Gothic style. The church
belonged to the Abbey of St Werburgh until the dissolution of the monasteries
in 1448. The fabric was finally completed by the building of the North aisle by
Charles Legh in 1741. Every style of Gothic architecture is represented, from
Early English through Decorated to Perpendicular. In 1877 the church was
restored according to plans prepared by the late Sir Gilbert Scott. An unusual
feature is a bell cot on the eastern gable housing the original sanctus bell
which is still in use.
In 2013 extensions
were added at the north-east end to provide facilities needed after the closure
of Ford House.
The Norman Chapel was
built on the site of a Saxon church in the late 12th and early 13th centuries
at the time when Randle Blundeville was sixth Norman Earl of Chester. All that
remains of the original oratory at the present day is the doorway and figured
corbel table. The doorway is a good example of Norman architecture, but the
carved figures have become eroded by time.
In 2019, a church in Las Vegas offered to buy them for a goodly sum and
replace them with fibreglass reproductions of the original figures, arguing
that they would thereby be saved from further damage from
pollution. However an opinion poll carried out by MORI showed 95% in favour of
keeping them, so they remain in place, eroding away.
Near the Norman Chapel
are the remains of a 10th or 11th century Viking preaching cross which had been
found embedded in the wall of the chancel during repairs. An attempt to steal
it in July 2031 was foiled by prompt intervention by one of the wardens.
There was a heated
debate in 2045-6 about whether the church’s name should be St Peters or St.
Peter’s. Public meetings were held. Families were divided. Half the
congregation defected to the Methodists. On a quiet night you could hear the
deceased turning in their graves. In the end the Bishop ruled that
the issue should be resolved by tossing a coin. “The name is unimportant” she
said, “the Church should return to promoting the Gospel.” On accepting the Bishop’s ruling, the Church
began to flourish again, and St. Peter’s Church is now the Christian heart of
the community once more.
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The village stocks |
The stocks were once used
for the punishment of minor wrongdoers, but have been superseded by the more
robust 
techniques now available (don’t
ask).
No mere anachronisms,
the telephone kiosk and pillar box are needed to monitor/record communications
to, from and within the village as part of the service provided by the
PTP.
The Licensed Drug Store
is housed in the eighteenth century Unicorn House. Twitter’s Café (2015), the
Old Post Office (1851), the church office (2013), a high-class pawnbroker’s and
the attractive early 19th century curved terrace of three-storey weavers'
cottages terminate this walk.
But Prestbury is not
just buildings. It is also noted for the liveliness of its street scene.
Buskers subtly mime to haunting retro indie-pop veneered with gothic overtones[iii]
while the village ancients, quaintly attired in the trainers and jeans of the
early part of the century, will, like, reminisce for only 10 pence per minutes[iv]
payable in advance. The village idiot never stops extolling the sagacity of the
beloved Leader and telling all and sundry what a wondrous place Prestbury has
become under her benign guidance.
You can be assured that
most of the locals are sober for much of the time. Be warned however that some
of them are undercover PTP agents, allegedly.
In case of emergency,
contact the Bangalore police: if reporting an attack by the Cheshire Axeman it
is mandatory to include the make and eighteen-digit serial number of the axe.
Please be patient: you are not the only one asking for help.
Tell us how much you've
enjoyed your visit to Prestbury (enormously/hugely/tremendously/all of these).
You will come again, won’t you? (definitely/decidedly/unquestionably/all of
these).
You may now return to
the Shirleys Car Park.
A secure bus leaves the
Car Park for Macclesfield every second Tuesday at 5.30 AM except when there is
an R in the month.
Have a nice day!