A Stroll through Prestbury, 2062

“An experience you will not forget” - Telegraph

Starting from the “Shirleys Car Park”, proceed to the security checkpoint. After a full body search by friendly and polite security officers you enter the village centre (by entering Prestbury you agree to the terms of entry held by the PTP) by the footpath leading to Macclesfield Road for a payment from just £10 (€5) plus 50% VAT and 20% service charge (charge per person in parties of ten or more: other rates on application: surcharges apply). Dress code is smart casual; jeans should not sag so as to reveal underpants: balaclavas should not be worn; galoshes or wellingtons recommended if going to the Butley side of the village.

Old Reading Room

Across Macclesfield Road is the Prestbury Hall Geriatric Hospital with a Dignity Clinic on the first floor. To the right of the Hospital is the old Reading Room, occupied on the left by the Bank of China and on the right by Ye Olde Internette Café, which replaced the library and Prestbury’s last Estate Agency during 2016-7 after both were closed, the former because it had become uneconomic for books to be stored in paper form when they could be downloaded from the web, and the latter because the purchase, sale and repossession of properties were invariably arranged online. On the upper floor is the Directorate of the Parish Leader (closed to the public).

PTP Headquarters

Across the road from the Reading Room, to the right of the piggery, is the PTP (Prestbury Thought Police) headquarters, a plain three-storey building with mullioned windows dating from the seventeenth century. Its unassuming exterior conceals surveillance equipment monitoring villagers and visitors for inappropriate thinking. Offenders are held in the cellars for re-education before being released into the community under supervision. Do not linger near the building.

Proceeding down the village street you come to the Legh Arms, a late Tudor building, probably dating from 1580. It was originally called the Saracen's Head after the crest of Sir Brian Stapleton of Upton who had followed Edward I in the Crusade of 1270. The inn sign was painted by a wandering artist. Probably due to ignorance he interpreted the Saracen as a “Negro”, so the inn became known as The Black Boy or the Blackamoor's Head.

The local inhabitants meet at the Legh Arms on market days in a room over the stables, entered by a flight of stone steps. Parish tea parties are also held there, hosted by the Grandmothers Union.

A lane at the side of the restaurant operated by the National Institute for Culinary Excellence (NICE) leads to the old vicarage. Alongside the lane there used to be a narrow field called the Saw Pit Field. The field was to be brought back into use after the European Deforestation Commission decreed that most of the trees in Prestbury should be felled. Sawing was to be done by hand so as to provide work for the unemployed. However there was an outcry against the ruling and the felling never took place.

Prestbury is famous for its markets held in the village street on April 28 (bull market) and October 22 (bear market) each year. During the markets the windows along the village street are boarded up to prevent damage by activists from the Bull and Bear Liberation Front.

The National Bank

The National Bank is a picturesque Jacobean timber-framed building on a stone base with a stone slate roof. It is said to date from 1448 and stands almost opposite the lych-gate. Once called the Priest's House, it is said to have been the vicarage during the Caroline period. Marriage ceremonies took place there and the vicar used to address his congregation from the balcony above the main front door when the church was closed to him and occupied by the Commonwealth party. Village tradition has it that there used to be a secret passageway to St. Peter’s Church across the street.

In the twentieth century the building was carefully restored for use as a bank and the banking hall is now renowned for its plasterwork walls, oak beamed ceiling and stone-flagged floor. Fireplaces were unmasked during the restoration. Note the original glass in the leaded lights which has the lovely tints of green and rose similar to those of Haddon Hall.

Continue in the direction of the river past Ford House, probably sixteenth or seventeenth century but now derelict, sad victim of the economic collapse of 2008 and the ensuing series of recessions.

In order to cross the river you must first present your identity card to the crossing warden. There is no charge, but a gratuity would ensure protection from attacks by marauding elements. Proceed through the turnstile across the well-designed timber(iroko) footbridge completed in 1979. The present stone bridge was built in 1855 to replace the earlier dual-arched bridge which was found to be insecure. It was toll-free until 2016.

Bollin Grove follows the River Bollin. On the right is the Village Club, built in 1908 by I.C.Waterhouse, an ardent teetotaller, to provide wholesome recreation for the working classes. It is now licensed to sell beers, wines and spirits, and operates as a casino, backed by the investment arm of the National Bank.

Proceeding along Bollin Grove you come to the drive leading to Prestbury Primary School where poor children of the parish are taught from the Primer to the Bible in accordance with the benefaction of Ann Whittakers. Past the terrace of workers housing is the euphemistically-named “cotton” factory, locally known as the “Sweatshop” which in recent years has become an important manufacturer of financial instruments for export to markets all over the developed world. Schoolchildren are sent to the factory for eight hours a day for work experience (except on Sundays).

Due to cutbacks, the picturesque cottages on the left-hand side of Pearl Street have no water supply and no sanitation. Pigs and other animals live with the occupants on the premises. The cottages are rented to the Formerly-Rich who feel privileged to be allowed to live in such a time-honoured fashion: note the date on the wall plaque on Brooks Cottages – 1686.

The Formerly-Rich, together with their wives and children, work at occupations such rat-catchers, crossing sweepers or labourers at the piggery, singing cheerful songs as they go about their work. The better-favoured are employed as servants in the Leader’s residence.

Turn right out of Pearl Street and right again on to the flooded New Road. Wade in the direction of the Bollin past the abandoned cars. On the right hand side of the road there are several charming cottages belonging to the Parish. Note the strong texture given by the original stone slate roofs.

Ye Olde Lord Rooney Inn is named after Lord Rooney of Old Trafford, a local resident. The inn sign depicts Lord Rooney in his younger days. As Wayne Rooney, his career began with Everton and continued when he signed a professional contract with Manchester United after a £31 million deal, a large one for the time. His brilliance as a player was matched by the dignity of his demeanor on and off the football pitch. On retirement he devoted himself to the well-known good works for which he has received numerous awards.

Beyond the Rooney are weavers' cottages whose occupants labour night and day making high-quality fabrics for export to the Far East. The money laundry and dry cleaners, a charity shop, the co-operative grocery store (all ration coupons accepted) and an oriental take-away are at the end of the row.

On the opposite side of New Road there is the Village Green (Parrott’s Field). It is mainly used for bynge-drinking, bare baiting, kissing-in-the-bushes and other traditional sports. Loitering is encouraged but littering and picnics are forbidden.

Return over the River Bollin. The Bridge Hotel stands by the river. Now modernised, it was once a farm and dates from 1626. It is rumoured that Bonnie Prince Charlie stayed there during his march south in 1745, but not for long, because he thought the prices were too high (he was Scottish).

St. Peter’s Church, south side

St. Peter's Church is the spiritual centre of the village. The church was started about 1220, with the building of the chancel in the Early English Gothic style. The church belonged to the Abbey of St Werburgh until the dissolution of the monasteries in 1448. The fabric was finally completed by the building of the North aisle by Charles Legh in 1741. Every style of Gothic architecture is represented, from Early English through Decorated to Perpendicular. In 1877 the church was restored according to plans prepared by the late Sir Gilbert Scott. An unusual feature is a bell cot on the eastern gable housing the original sanctus bell which is still in use.

In 2015 extensions were added at the north-east end to provide facilities needed after the closure of Ford House.

The Norman Chapel was built on the site of a Saxon church in the late 12th and early 13th centuries at the time when Randle Blundeville was sixth Norman Earl of Chester. All that remains of the original oratory at the present day is the doorway and figured corbel table. The doorway is a good example of Norman architecture, but the carved figures have become eroded by time. In 2019, a church in Las Vegas offered to buy them for a goodly sum and replace them with fibreglass reproductions of the original figures, arguing that they would thereby be saved from further damage from pollution. However an opinion poll carried out by MORI showed 95% in favour of keeping them, so they remain in place, eroding away.

Near the Norman Chapel are the remains of a 10th or 11th century Viking preaching cross which had been found embedded in the wall of the chancel during repairs. An attempt to steal it in July 2031 was foiled by prompt intervention by one of the wardens.

There was a heated debate in 2045-6 about whether the church’s name should be St Peters or St. Peter’s. Public meetings were held. Families were divided. Half the congregation defected to the Methodists. On a quiet night you could hear the deceased turning in their graves. In the end the Bishop ruled that the issue should be resolved by tossing a coin. “The name is unimportant” she said, “the Church should return to promoting the Gospel.” On accepting the Bishop’s ruling, the Church began to flourish again, and St. Peter’s Church is now the Christian heart of the community once more.

The village stocks

The stocks were once used for the punishment of minor wrongdoers, but have been superseded by the more robust techniques now available.

No mere anachronisms, the telephone kiosk and pillar box are needed to monitor/record communications to, from and within the village as part of the service provided by the PTP (allegedly).

The Licensed Drug Store is housed in the eighteenth century Unicorn House. Twitter’s Café (2015), the Old Post Office (1851), the church office (2013), a high-class pawnbroker’s and the attractive early 19th century curved terrace of three-storey weavers' cottages terminate this walk.

But Prestbury is not just buildings. It is also celebrated for the liveliness of its street scene. Buskers subtly mime to haunting retro indie-pop veneered with gothic overtones (programmes change hourly) while the village ancients, quaintly attired in the trainers and jeans of the early part of the century, will, like, reminisce? for only 10 pence per minute (for the first three minutes, then £1 per minute: minimum contract one hour) payable in advance. The village idiot never stops extolling the sagacity of the beloved Leader and telling all and sundry what a wondrous place Prestbury has become under her benign guidance. But do not be misled by the conviviality: many of the locals are sober for much of the time.

In case of emergency, simply contact the Bangalore Police. Please be patient: all enquiries will be answered within 24 hours.

If reporting an attack by the Cheshire Axeman it is mandatory to enter the model number and eighteen-digit serial number of the axe. The police are proud to announce that no valid reports of attacks by the Cheshire Axeman have been received since this measure was introduced: they have now been able to make substantial cost savings as there is no longer a need for a front-line police presence in the village.

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